Then my brother (who I talked to briefly today) called back tonight and only said that he loved me and thought I was doing a great job at being a Mom. He knew too!
I must have been really weird today!
My problem you ask? Well, there are several. Women are like onions...we have layers (ode to Shrek).
1. I am burnt out. Mommies get just plain tired of cleaning up, doing laundry, wiping bottoms, being crawled on, and giving constantly, etc. You must be thinking...Sarah, make time for yourself. It is easier said than done. I struggle finding a balance with the kids, my beloved hubby and myself. Most women do, right? I never want to "dump" my kids on the husband. I don't want to be a selfish person. I truly believe that our society paints a "me, me, me" or " I, I, I" image. "What have you done for yourself today" rather than "what have you done for others today". I realize that I must strike a balance in my personal life, but it is easier to make excuses than to follow through with striking out on my own. Eric never thinks twice about taking the kids when I need a break...never. He's great!
2. I miss my friends...all of them. Now I know that sounds childish, but hey...a girl needs her peeps! My hubby also put this into perspective too. He is on a roll I tell ya! He said that of course I'm lonely. I left some great friends back in MN. The newness has worn off of our new city and now we're settling into a normal pattern.
I remember this feeling well when we moved last time, but I only had one child and my mother on the other end of the phone. We talked daily about EVERYTHING. She listened to my concerns. She encouraged me to explore my new surroundings and to use my "great personality" to meet others. Thus I embarked on some lifelong friendships with two great cheerleaders in my back corner (Mom and Hubby).
3. Speaking of my Mom...I miss her terribly too! Since her passing in 1/07 I am evolving into my new life without her. It takes more time than outsiders think. She was not only my mother, but my best girl friend, counselor, supporter, interior designer, grandmother, etc. I get angry when others balk at how tearful I STILL get when discussing my mother. Healthy or unhealthy...I will never get over the loss of JLPS. She was an undeniable treasure to mankind. Period.
4. Keeping my loss in mind, I find it much harder to approach people. I am much more judgemental, self conscious and uncertain about myself. I thought I'd become a stronger person because of my mother's death. I was hoping to be inspired by her strength, determined spirit and unwavering moral self. Now I find myself unable to make a decision and stick with it...some days. I second guess others intentions and read into too many things. I procrastinate much more and it is a trait I despise in others. If this isn't a therapy session online I don't know what is...???
So, what will I do with my anger, you ask? Get some sleep...something that I am lacking these days. I am amazed what some decent sleep does for my emotional state. Plus, I will take a deep breath, give myself a break and realize that friendships don't happen overnight and to enjoy my kids while they are still young. Did I miss anything? Oh yeah, get out on a date night with the hubby...getting dressed up makes a girl feel special, right?
Don't worry...this too shall pass and I will feel better in about...7 days! ;-)
2 comments:
Finally I got a chance to read your blog! Sorry you are having a such a hard time here in town.
So now I'm going to say the things to you that I KNOW you're wishing your mom were here to say. (How do I know this? Because I also wish my mom were still here to say things like this to me!)
You have got to GET OUT and put yourself out there! The invitation is open at any time! I know your mom was right - you do have a great personality and you WILL make new friends, once you decide to stop waiting for them to come to you. Great risk comes with great reward. Put yourself out there. What's the worst that can happen? Who knows? Maybe you'll even find that you LIKE it here. Horror of all horrors! Aack! (This makes me chuckle because I hated it when I first moved here too!)
Come hang with me, and I promise you that I'll be gentle and nice, then I'll give you good swift kick in the butt. :)
BTW, I know you miss your mom. I hope you don't think I'm making light of your grief or trying to tell you to just "get over it." I miss my mom and dad and brother every day too. It doesn't go away, ever. Not until you're with them again. And I know it's hard raising your babies without your own mom there to help guide you. Every day I wish mine were here to just be a sounding board, or say the dreaded "It takes one to know one" that she LOVED to say. Ugh!
I'm thinking of you!
Oh my goodness, girlfriend. I'm so glad I found this.
*hugs*
Grief isn't like flow chart, something that incrementally gets better like a rising stock market chart. Grief is a circle, and you will start over every now and then. But grief also makes people terribly uncomfortable. That's not your fault. Humans, in general, can relate more easily to people's happy moments, even though we all have both. So people may wiggle in their chairs when you talk about your mom, but girlfriend - talk her up anyway. She will always be a driving force in your life, and that force isn't a "past tense" kind of feeling. It's a present here and now feeling. I just know she is rooting you on, your own angelic cheerleader.
Lastly, you are a great mom. A *great* mom. But even great moms need to lock themselves in the bathroom for a good cry, a bubble bath or a glass of wine and a magazine every once in awhile.
An empty pitcher pours nothing. Invest in yourself, and you are investing in the contents of your pitcher that pours over your awesome hubby and beautiful kids. You are sooooo worth it!
Love ya' girlfriend.
Darcy
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